Connections in Small Groups

How are your Life Groups doing?

More specifically: how are your groups doing at connecting with one another on a heart level? Cloud and Townsend ask whether our groups are connecting “on a heart-based level” (71), and I think that’s a helpful and challenging question for all of us.

Are your conversations mostly about pains and aches—what a friend of mine used to call an “organ recital”? Or are people talking about what’s going on in their hearts—what they love, how they’re feeling, how they’re connecting with God, how they’re seeing Jesus at work in their lives?

Do you sense that people in your group are actually becoming attached to one another?

Cloud and Townsend remind us that connection doesn’t just happen. For people to connect, a group has to be safe, non-judgmental, and honest, and as leaders, we’re actively helping guide the group in that direction (71). That means we’re paying attention to the process of connection, not just the content of the meeting.

And if that doesn’t come naturally to you—if this kind of connection feels awkward or unfamiliar—it may be an invitation for personal growth. You can’t lead people to places you haven’t been yourself. If real connection isn’t happening in your group, you may eventually need to do the awkward but important thing: talk about it. Ask questions like the ones Cloud and Townsend suggest, such as, “Does anyone have concerns about how safe this group feels for opening up about what’s really going on?”

As they put it, “A good group constantly makes sure that what is needed for connection is present” (72). But that only happens if someone is watching for it—and willing to name it. That may be uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to connecting at that level yourself. For some of us, we’ve never actually had a safe place like that. If that’s you, this isn’t a failure—it’s an opportunity for growth in godliness.

I want to be clear about something here: not all vulnerability is good vulnerability. There is a kind of vulnerability that lacks wisdom, or that turns into self-indulgence or even a kind of spiritual voyeurism. But there is also redemptive vulnerability, and that kind of vulnerability is a mark of healthy Christian community. It’s something worth cultivating—not just for the sake of leading a group, but for your own spiritual health and your walk with Jesus.

So how do we move toward that kind of connection?

We start with the content we’re already using. Studies—like our current study on loving our neighbors—give us a starting place. But as leaders, we’re listening for more than correct answers. We’re paying attention to whether people are opening their hearts and lives to one another. Are our conversations mostly about other people in the church or frustrations at work? Or are they moving toward what Cloud and Townsend call “private, personal, and transcendent themes, which few people would regularly bring out into the light of day” (72)?

I don’t want to over-spiritualize this, but we are seeking the glory of God in our Life Groups. We are seeking to connect with Jesus Christ and to live as the body of Christ together. That means we keep returning to Scripture and asking what the body of Christ actually looks like. It looks like people in real relationships—serving one another, caring for one another, and serving those around them.

 Sometimes that means doing the strange but necessary work of talking directly about relationships within the group. Cloud and Townsend say, “Notice and address if someone is hurting and detached…Good groups spend significant time helping the members open themselves up to each other, giving validation, love, comfort, feedback, and confrontation”(73).

All of this takes time. It won’t happen overnight. But these are the things we are called—as leaders—to be praying for, watching for, and cultivating. And it starts with us: in our own lives first, and then, over time, in the lives of our Life Groups.

Reflection Questions for Life Group Leaders

1. Where do you see real heart-level connection beginning to form in your group—and where does it still feel guarded or surface-level?

2. What is one small, concrete step you could take to help create greater safety, honesty, and redemptive vulnerability in your group this season?

   
   

   *This is adapted from an email I wrote to a group of small-group leaders. Though it’s tied to a specific discussion around a book we're reading together: Cloud and Townsend's Making Small Groups Work, the principles apply widely to anyone thinking about discipleship and spiritual growth.

   
   

Churches As A Second Family

 *This is adapted from an email I wrote to a group of small-group leaders. Though it’s tied to a specific discussion around a book we're reading together: Cloud and Townsend's Making Small Groups Work, the principles apply widely to anyone thinking about discipleship and spiritual growth.

Cloud and Townsend open this chapter by saying, “An important aspect of any growth-producing group is that it provides a context for members to re-experience whatever they missed in life the first time around” (67). That line really stuck with me, because it’s something I learned when studying group therapy: groups function like families.

In pretty much any group—but especially groups that are intentionally formed for personal growth, whether in Christian or secular contexts—family dynamics show up. Someone becomes a parent figure. And when there’s a man and a woman leading, it’s kind of funny how often they end up functioning as a sort of mom and dad in the group, just by virtue of being the leaders. Group dynamics and sociological realities are fascinating—and they matter.

For our purposes at Calvary, what we need to know is this: our Life Groups become little families. The way our pastoral structures are set up is intentional—Life Groups are where people receive care, where people express their hearts, where people are working out their emotions and their spiritual lives. That means our groups have to be places where people are willing to be vulnerable, to express needs, to ask for help. But it also means that for real spiritual growth to happen, people have to trust one another.

Cloud and Townsend say that groups are meant to be places where people learn new life patterns in the Spirit (68). That doesn’t just happen. We have to cast vision. We need to cast the vision that our groups can actually help our people. We need to cast the vision that our groups are about transformation through meeting together. And we need to expect God to be at work—so we help our people expect challenge, change, and growth when they gather. As they put it, “Group is much more than connecting and being known” (68).

That means we’re not just trying to get people to show up. We’re inviting people to take risks, to emotionally enter in, to actually connect with one another. Over time, the hope is that our groups begin to bond, so that when there’s a need, a heartache, or even a gladness, the first call is to people in the group. Group is meant to become a second family, where relational experiences can be worked out in ways that bring healing.

Now, I know that can sound intimidating, because it is intimidating. And in one sense, it’s impossible. That’s why Cloud and Townsend offer this helpful caution:

“As a facilitator, you may be thinking, ‘I just want to help people support each other. This sounds like too big a deal. We don’t want anyone to feel intimidated by the prospect of doing groups.’ Always remember that as a group leader you are a facilitator of growth [not a creator of growth]. That’s God’s job. Much of the responsibility for growth rests with the members and what they are doing with the meeting” (69).

That’s freeing—but it doesn’t remove responsibility. Our role is to cast vision. We don’t do the personal work for people, but we do the work of naming what the group is becoming. And if your group hasn’t functioned this way yet, saying that out loud is going to feel awkward. It’s going to feel risky. But that’s leadership. If our Life Groups are going to help people grow spiritually, they have to be places marked by love, face-to-face presence, safety, and grace—sometimes in ways people have never experienced before.

Cloud and Townsend are right on here, and it lines up exactly with my own experience:

“Our experience is that most people who take the time, energy, commitment, and risk to formally join a group are motivated by real-life needs: to know God and others, heal hurt, reach their potential goals and dreams, repair weaknesses, develop ability, integrate lost parts of themselves, or gain control over something. Don’t be afraid of truly becoming the family they need so they can move on in life and accomplish what God has called them to be and do” (70).

Yes, that’s intimidating. But it’s also what our groups can be—and what they need to be. If people aren’t growing and changing in our groups, it’s fair to ask what we’re doing them for. Some people come because it’s “what you’re supposed to do” as a good church member—and there is truth in that. I’ve said as much. But the vision is bigger than attendance.

The hope and prayer is that God would work through our Life Groups to make us holy, because He is holy. Not just that we meet, but that we actually see Jesus more clearly together. We can’t control outcomes. We can’t control what other people do. But we can cast vision—
a vision of becoming little families who grow together in Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Reflection Questions for Life Group Leaders

1. Where does your Life Group already feel like a family—and where does it still feel guarded or surface-level?

2. What is one small, concrete way you could help cast a clearer vision for vulnerability, trust, and spiritual growth in your group this year?