*This is adapted from an email I wrote to a group of small-group leaders. Though it’s tied to a specific discussion around a book we're reading together: Cloud and Townsend's Making Small Groups Work, the principles apply widely to anyone thinking about discipleship and spiritual growth.
Cloud and Townsend open this chapter by saying, “An important aspect of any growth-producing group is that it provides a context for members to re-experience whatever they missed in life the first time around” (67). That line really stuck with me, because it’s something I learned when studying group therapy: groups function like families.
In pretty much any group—but especially groups that are intentionally formed for personal growth, whether in Christian or secular contexts—family dynamics show up. Someone becomes a parent figure. And when there’s a man and a woman leading, it’s kind of funny how often they end up functioning as a sort of mom and dad in the group, just by virtue of being the leaders. Group dynamics and sociological realities are fascinating—and they matter.
For our purposes at Calvary, what we need to know is this: our Life Groups become little families. The way our pastoral structures are set up is intentional—Life Groups are where people receive care, where people express their hearts, where people are working out their emotions and their spiritual lives. That means our groups have to be places where people are willing to be vulnerable, to express needs, to ask for help. But it also means that for real spiritual growth to happen, people have to trust one another.
Cloud and Townsend say that groups are meant to be places where people learn new life patterns in the Spirit (68). That doesn’t just happen. We have to cast vision. We need to cast the vision that our groups can actually help our people. We need to cast the vision that our groups are about transformation through meeting together. And we need to expect God to be at work—so we help our people expect challenge, change, and growth when they gather. As they put it, “Group is much more than connecting and being known” (68).
That means we’re not just trying to get people to show up. We’re inviting people to take risks, to emotionally enter in, to actually connect with one another. Over time, the hope is that our groups begin to bond, so that when there’s a need, a heartache, or even a gladness, the first call is to people in the group. Group is meant to become a second family, where relational experiences can be worked out in ways that bring healing.
Now, I know that can sound intimidating, because it is intimidating. And in one sense, it’s impossible. That’s why Cloud and Townsend offer this helpful caution:
“As a facilitator, you may be thinking, ‘I just want to help people support each other. This sounds like too big a deal. We don’t want anyone to feel intimidated by the prospect of doing groups.’ Always remember that as a group leader you are a facilitator of growth [not a creator of growth]. That’s God’s job. Much of the responsibility for growth rests with the members and what they are doing with the meeting” (69).
That’s freeing—but it doesn’t remove responsibility. Our role is to cast vision. We don’t do the personal work for people, but we do the work of naming what the group is becoming. And if your group hasn’t functioned this way yet, saying that out loud is going to feel awkward. It’s going to feel risky. But that’s leadership. If our Life Groups are going to help people grow spiritually, they have to be places marked by love, face-to-face presence, safety, and grace—sometimes in ways people have never experienced before.
Cloud and Townsend are right on here, and it lines up exactly with my own experience:
“Our experience is that most people who take the time, energy, commitment, and risk to formally join a group are motivated by real-life needs: to know God and others, heal hurt, reach their potential goals and dreams, repair weaknesses, develop ability, integrate lost parts of themselves, or gain control over something. Don’t be afraid of truly becoming the family they need so they can move on in life and accomplish what God has called them to be and do” (70).
Yes, that’s intimidating. But it’s also what our groups can be—and what they need to be. If people aren’t growing and changing in our groups, it’s fair to ask what we’re doing them for. Some people come because it’s “what you’re supposed to do” as a good church member—and there is truth in that. I’ve said as much. But the vision is bigger than attendance.
The hope and prayer is that God would work through our Life Groups to make us holy, because He is holy. Not just that we meet, but that we actually see Jesus more clearly together. We can’t control outcomes. We can’t control what other people do. But we can cast vision—
a vision of becoming little families who grow together in Christ, by the power of the Holy Spirit.
Reflection Questions for Life Group Leaders
Where does your Life Group already feel like a family—and where does it still feel guarded or surface-level?
What is one small, concrete way you could help cast a clearer vision for vulnerability, trust, and spiritual growth in your group this year?
