Connections in Small Groups

How are your Life Groups doing?

More specifically: how are your groups doing at connecting with one another on a heart level? Cloud and Townsend ask whether our groups are connecting “on a heart-based level” (71), and I think that’s a helpful and challenging question for all of us.

Are your conversations mostly about pains and aches—what a friend of mine used to call an “organ recital”? Or are people talking about what’s going on in their hearts—what they love, how they’re feeling, how they’re connecting with God, how they’re seeing Jesus at work in their lives?

Do you sense that people in your group are actually becoming attached to one another?

Cloud and Townsend remind us that connection doesn’t just happen. For people to connect, a group has to be safe, non-judgmental, and honest, and as leaders, we’re actively helping guide the group in that direction (71). That means we’re paying attention to the process of connection, not just the content of the meeting.

And if that doesn’t come naturally to you—if this kind of connection feels awkward or unfamiliar—it may be an invitation for personal growth. You can’t lead people to places you haven’t been yourself. If real connection isn’t happening in your group, you may eventually need to do the awkward but important thing: talk about it. Ask questions like the ones Cloud and Townsend suggest, such as, “Does anyone have concerns about how safe this group feels for opening up about what’s really going on?”

As they put it, “A good group constantly makes sure that what is needed for connection is present” (72). But that only happens if someone is watching for it—and willing to name it. That may be uncomfortable, especially if you’re not used to connecting at that level yourself. For some of us, we’ve never actually had a safe place like that. If that’s you, this isn’t a failure—it’s an opportunity for growth in godliness.

I want to be clear about something here: not all vulnerability is good vulnerability. There is a kind of vulnerability that lacks wisdom, or that turns into self-indulgence or even a kind of spiritual voyeurism. But there is also redemptive vulnerability, and that kind of vulnerability is a mark of healthy Christian community. It’s something worth cultivating—not just for the sake of leading a group, but for your own spiritual health and your walk with Jesus.

So how do we move toward that kind of connection?

We start with the content we’re already using. Studies—like our current study on loving our neighbors—give us a starting place. But as leaders, we’re listening for more than correct answers. We’re paying attention to whether people are opening their hearts and lives to one another. Are our conversations mostly about other people in the church or frustrations at work? Or are they moving toward what Cloud and Townsend call “private, personal, and transcendent themes, which few people would regularly bring out into the light of day” (72)?

I don’t want to over-spiritualize this, but we are seeking the glory of God in our Life Groups. We are seeking to connect with Jesus Christ and to live as the body of Christ together. That means we keep returning to Scripture and asking what the body of Christ actually looks like. It looks like people in real relationships—serving one another, caring for one another, and serving those around them.

 Sometimes that means doing the strange but necessary work of talking directly about relationships within the group. Cloud and Townsend say, “Notice and address if someone is hurting and detached…Good groups spend significant time helping the members open themselves up to each other, giving validation, love, comfort, feedback, and confrontation”(73).

All of this takes time. It won’t happen overnight. But these are the things we are called—as leaders—to be praying for, watching for, and cultivating. And it starts with us: in our own lives first, and then, over time, in the lives of our Life Groups.

Reflection Questions for Life Group Leaders

1. Where do you see real heart-level connection beginning to form in your group—and where does it still feel guarded or surface-level?

2. What is one small, concrete step you could take to help create greater safety, honesty, and redemptive vulnerability in your group this season?

   
   

   *This is adapted from an email I wrote to a group of small-group leaders. Though it’s tied to a specific discussion around a book we're reading together: Cloud and Townsend's Making Small Groups Work, the principles apply widely to anyone thinking about discipleship and spiritual growth.