What Are We Trying to Do as Small-Group Leaders?

*This is adapted from an email I wrote to a group of small-group leaders. Though it’s tied to a specific discussion around a book we're reading together: Cloud and Townsend's Making Small Groups Work, the principles apply widely to anyone thinking about discipleship and spiritual growth. 

Perfectionism is a form of immaturity. Not seeking excellence is also a form of immaturity. But perfectionism is probably our immaturity of choice.

What knowing the gospel does—what knowing Jesus does—is make it possible for us to pursue excellence while still being comfortable (or at least not devastated) by failure. We can fail and keep going. As Cloud and Townsend say, “We have to humble ourselves in our own growth process first and keep practicing. Not perfectly but faithfully. Remember, the Bible shows that God uses faithful people, not perfect people.”

Part of what we get to do as small-group leaders is shape the experience of the people who come to our group—point them to Jesus, point them to the Bible, pray with and for them, encourage them, and yes, even exhort them. This is patient, slow work. It’s a work of asking questions and listening. We can’t just listen forever; there is a directive part of shepherding people. If people are in error, someone’s got to say something, and while it’s often good to wait a minute and see if someone else will say it—if they won’t, we have to. But there’s also a lot of grace. We don’t have to confront everything immediately. And when we can, it’s usually best to ask questions to help people confront themselves.

We’re going to make some missteps on that journey. We’re going to not speak when we should have, or we’re going to speak when we shouldn’t have. And in all of that, we’re going to need a constant confidence that we are forgiven, that Jesus is with us, and that we’ve been called to lead these groups.

The curriculums we decide to use provide content that gives us something to do. But it’s asking questions and listening, digging in with people—that’s where change is going to happen. That’s what’s really valuable. Cloud and Townsend write, “Your program or curriculum should guide you in terms of content… But what about goals that relate to process, not content? Which transcendent goals and tasks apply to each and every group, no matter what its purpose or topic? …We’re saying that regardless of the group’s specific task, there are transcendent purposes to which you can anchor yourself—and thus accomplish good in any group.”

These goals are what I’m hoping we can be moving toward—most of all, the goal of the ministry of reconciliation: reconnecting people to God, pointing them to the Bible, and walking together in experiencing grace, acceptance, and forgiveness that leads to learning God’s ways, trusting God, and ultimately obedience. Those are our groups’ overarching goals, no matter what content we’re using.

Confession, Safety, and Becoming a Honest Community

*This is adapted from an email I wrote to my small group. Though it comes from a specific moment in our community, the principles are rooted in Scripture and apply widely. 

We talked recently about confession, and I want to encourage you to have someone you can confess sin to. Churches should be communities where sinners can be honest and safe. But often they’re not. We’re not. Maybe we don’t spend enough time together. Maybe we’re not trustworthy enough. Something is wrong with the church (not just my church — the church, which includes my church).

I’ve been hearing from multiple places that our communities don’t spend enough time together. That lack of shared life makes the sort of intimacy and trust needed for things like confessing our sin to one another really hard. I’m going to be spending time praying and thinking about that.

In the meantime, I want to encourage you: if you’re struggling with sin, confess it to another person. As I mentioned in the conversation that sparked this, I don’t get to be the best example because we don’t live in a system where it’s entirely safe for a pastor to confess his own sin to his congregation. But I do want you to know this: I do confess sin. I’ve confessed to trusted fellow pastors. I’ve confessed to a mentor outside our system. I just think it’s really important to have a confessor.

Even if you don’t feel like you can confess to someone in your immediate church community, you still need to have someone. And not just your spouse.

I had a particularly transformative experience with something called The Samson Society as a new Christian. https://www.samsonsociety.com/ It was a "Protestant ministry of confession." It was run sort of like AA, but with some tweaks to make it explicitly Christian, and it wasn't (just) about alcohol, substance abuse, or sex. It was about SIN.

I think it would be a beautiful thing if our churches became the kind of communities where sinners were safe to be honest about their sin — where we seemed so safe that people could even take the risk of confessing before relationships feel fully secure. I know that’s hard and scary, but it’s part of becoming the kind of community Jesus intends for us to be.

Then we would be the sort of community where sinners can repent, believe, and grow in grace — which is what God calls the Church to be: a hospital for sinners, not a hiding place (Luke 5:31–32).

So here’s a simple practice for the week:

Write down a sin you’re struggling with, and then dispose of it — burn it, drown it, shred it, whatever you want. This isn't good enough. You need to talk to someone. You need a confessor. But it's a start.

Then reflect on how it feels. And if you’re willing, talk with someone about the experience. And don't let confession stop there.

God’s Surprising Plan for Growth

*This is adapted from an email I originally wrote to a group of small-group leaders as a reflection on chapter 1 of Cloud and Townsend’s Making Small Groups Work. Context and roles vary from church to church, but I hope the principles here will be useful for anyone thinking about discipleship and community.

I think so many Presbyterians in particular—but really, all Christians of an intellectual bent—feel like if we just learn enough, hear enough sermons, read enough books, get enough lectures, learn enough facts, then we’ll be transformed. “It is knowing our Bible that transforms us, by the power of the Holy Spirit.” And that’s not wrong—but it’s not enough. It’s absolutely necessary and utterly insufficient. It has to be all of that and people.

I think so many people read all the grand doctrines of the Bible—about how amazing our God is (and He is!)—about the wonderful love of our incredible Savior, Jesus Christ (and it is wonderful!)—and they miss that pretty much all the commands in the Bible are about people: how to love people, how to live with people, how to be in community with people. Most of the New Testament is instructions for how to be a community. And those early churches were probably only forty people or so—maybe a hundred at most. When we talk about small groups today, we’re talking about the modern context where the truths we learn on Sundays—in preaching, in classes, wherever—get lived out together.

This is why our small groups have to be more than Bible studies. They have to be people involved in each other’s lives. They have to be led and facilitated in ways that help us really enter into life together—sharing what’s happening, influencing one another, letting God work through those connections. As Henry Cloud said, “Other people are Plan A, not Plan B.”

Many churches use small groups as a primary ministry of discipleship because we live in a commuter culture where we don’t see each other every day. Early Christians actually saw each other daily in the streets, the marketplace, the same neighborhood. We don’t. So small groups are one way we overcome that gap.

Most of the “love one another” commands in the Bible aren’t just general—they’re instructions for how Christians are to love one another within the church community, how we’re meant to build one another up (Ephesians 4:16). “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:10). But that kind of work doesn’t happen in the big preaching room. It happens in spaces where people are relating personally. That’s what small groups are for: spaces where we relate, share life, and work out what we’re learning in community.

You could think of a small group as the social microcosm for living out what the Bible teaches. Small groups are the primary, biblical context for growth. The early churches didn’t need small groups—they were small groups. But in most modern churches, we’re spread out enough that small groups are the most practical way to give each other that relational context for growth.

So this is what small-group leaders are meant to lead. Our groups are meant to be places where process can happen—where change can take place. I love how the authors put it: “We don’t think it takes a PhD to do that! We think it takes some basic skills and processes found in the Bible, plus a little dose of love, a mustard seed of faith, some commitment, and an adventuresome spirit.” That’s exactly right. This is what our small groups can be, and this is what this book helps us lean into.

I’ll leave off with this thought: small groups are the context where we get to live life together with those we’re called to shepherd. It’s where we shepherd people into true life change—whatever change God wants to make in each of us—by His grace, through the power of the Holy Spirit, as He works through people, which is His Plan A for sanctification.

Small Groups Are About Process, Not Just Curriculum: Reflections for Life Group leaders (and anyone who cares about spiritual growth)

*This is adapted from an email I wrote to our Life Group leaders. It’s shaped by our context at Calvary and my role here, but I think some general principles may be helpful more broadly. This isn’t meant to be an academic article—it’s a pastoral reflection interacting with ideas from Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s Making Small Groups Work.

I’ve been reading the prologue of a small group book with our Life Group leaders Making Small Groups Work by Cloud and Townsend. A couple of lines really lodged themselves in my brain:

“There is no one right way to do small groups.”

“While leaders might have a good curriculum that guides content, they need training in the process itself.”

That second line is the one that grabbed me: the process itself.

That’s probably the main thing I want from this book—to help us think about how to set up and lead processes in our small groups so that small groups actually change lives. Learning the art of process is the thing we need. We need to learn how to lead process. We even need to get clear on what we mean by process.

Because that’s really why we’re reading this: so we can better understand how people change, how people grow, and how we, as leaders, are meant to be facilitators of that change and growth.

The Problem Isn’t Curriculum

There is absolutely no shortage of curriculum. I could write one. You could write one. There are roughly 900 bajillion already out there.

Recently our groups used The Cure, and I’ve heard from several in our congregation about how it was helpful. This coming January and February, we’ll walk through a short six-week series on loving our neighborhoods (using Placed For a Purpose).

But beyond that, I don’t want to micromanage what every group studies.

Every Life Group has its own flavor—its own mix of geography, friendships, ages, and rhythms. One group might be mostly young families; another might be a mix of empty nesters and singles; another might have people driving in from all over. And that’s exactly as it should be. Different groups will need different things.

Yes, I’ll occasionally recommend something when it seems like there’s a shared need—maybe we all need help engaging more personally, or learning to love our physical neighbors better. But I don’t want to be the official “curriculum chooser.” (This is context and role specific to Calvary. In another place with different circumstances, I might approach this differently.)

Unless our session says otherwise, my role (see above disclaimer) isn’t to control what our groups look at together. My role is to help make sure that whatever you’re doing actually changes lives. I’m trying to shepherd us into being better process facilitators.

What Life Groups Are For

If our Life Groups are just getting together for food and fellowship, we’re not really using them for what they’re intended for.

Fellowship is good. Hanging out is good. Laughing together is good.

But Life Groups are meant to be our more personal, smaller context for active, personal shepherding. And the Life Group leaders are the shepherds. Anyone willing to lead, care, love, ask good questions, and shepherd can get in on this though! You don't need to be in the formal role!

I want our groups to be active vehicles of shepherding people toward Jesus. Places where holiness is stirred up. Places where personal growth is actually happening. Places where people are slowly, steadily becoming more like Christ because they’re being known, challenged, encouraged, and loved.

And that doesn’t come mainly through content.

Content and curriculum matter. They really do. But presented on their own, they don’t transform anyone. Every teacher knows this: the hardest part isn’t the material—it’s the process.

Where the Real Power Is

So what do I mean by process?

Process is the way the content gets worked into people’s lives over time. It’s:

• The real conversations after someone shares something vulnerable.

• The small moments, when someone goes out of their way to follow up midweek.

• The prayers where people risk being honest.

• The tears that show up when something finally hits a deep place.

• The decisions made in community—to forgive, to repent, to reach out, to take a next step.

• The confessions of sin that move beyond “I struggle sometimes” to “Here’s what’s actually going on.”

• The shared laughter that builds trust so that harder things can be shared.

• To learn how people change.

• To learn how God uses community to grow His people.

• To learn how we can better lead that growth as shepherds.

That’s the stuff that actually shapes a person over time. And as Life Group leaders, we’ve been called to shepherd that process.

You’re not just “running a study.” You’re tending people. You’re helping create an environment where the Spirit can work through Scripture, conversation, and community to change hearts.

What This Book (and This Season) Is Really About

So as we go through this book together, I want us to keep this front and center:

We are here to understand and practice process.

My prayer is that this doesn’t just help us “teach good content,” but that it trains us to lead real transformation through process.

If you’re a Life Group leader, a small group leader, or just someone who cares about people being changed by Jesus—not just informed about Him—then this is the invitation:

Don’t just ask, “What are we studying?”

Start asking, “What’s our process? How are we walking with people so that this actually sinks in?”

That’s where the real work—and the real joy—is.

*ChatGPT was used in editing for formatting but not in writing this content. I was overusing em dashes long before it was made cool by AI.