In this series I am surveying the most useful insights from books that are geared towards small groups. I survey books across a spectrum of perspectives, including non-Christian sources. I’ve tried to distill the best takeaways into short articles that will both guide the culture of Calvary Presbyterian Church in Raleigh, NC, as well as provide some short and practical articles to inspire and guide a small group leader in any context. I hope you find these helpful!
My focus is on distilling practical takeaways and insights from every book and communicating them in ways that can be applied the next time your small group gathers. I don’t necessarily recommend reading every book. Also, sometimes the things I write will be more“inspired” by what I read than what the person actually wrote. These aren’t book reviews or book reports. My goal is to give practical instruction for small groups and provide a vision for what Jesus calls the Church to be for the glory of God, and these are the books that happen to inspire each individual article.
Don’t forget, you need the Holy Spirit for any of this to work. You’re not good enough—and neither am I. So let’s start with prayer:
Father, please guide us by the power of Your Holy Spirit to be what you intended us to be as a Church. Give us insight, inspiration, and intentionality. Use us. Create around us and draw us into small group communities that help us and everyone around to see Jesus more and more clearly as you shape us to more and more be the People of God you call us to be. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.
Welch, Edward T. Caring for One Another: 8 Ways to Cultivate Meaningful Relationships. Wheaton: Crossway, 2018.
The world wants to be cared for. The most popular TV shows that have grabbed hearts and drawn people in have been about people living in community well. The reason those shows get many seasons and high ratings is because they provide a vicarious experience of what we’re all longing for: community. The world is longing for community. By God’s common grace many people get tastes of community. There is no experience like the community that comes together when a marching band spends all season preparing a show, or the cast and crew of a musical finally start their run, or when a sports team practices, wins and loses together. But the church is the community that God means to be a unique witness of what humanity is made for.
Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:35) Jesus is speaking about how Christians are meant to create a new community that loves one another better than any other community ever has or ever will. Christians are meant to create a community that is a witness to Jesus’ work in them and between them. Christians are meant to live in the fullness of humanity that is only possible in a community—a caring community. How we Christians care for one another is supposed to be something special, something that stands out, something that makes other-than-Christians looking in from the outside say, “What makes them that way? What is going on with them? They seem different, and I wish I could be a part of that!”
At the heart of community are people who actively care for one another well. If we’re not caring for one another, actually providing care—whether that means emotional support, spiritual advice, or physical provision—we haven’t entered into community yet. Until someone in a group has struggled with something and received care, I don’t know that community has yet been created.
So how do we get there? What does a small group that cares for one another look like? How should you lead your small group in ways that will lead to community and a witness for Jesus as we care for one another? 1) Leadership. 2) Listening. 3)Truth. And 4) Time.
1) LEADERSHIP: The group will follow your lead—so share your neediness if you want them to share theirs.
If we want to have groups where people are sharing their needs: making requests for prayer for serious things, seeking guidance, seeking help—we have to start by humbly being needy as leaders. Obviously we don’t want to abuse the group. We’re not forming these groups so we leaders can basically have our own little me-centered support group. But getting the group to become a place where others feel comfortable getting vulnerable will probably involve you getting vulnerable first: taking a risk by being the first person to express your own needs. And this is humbling.
You start by admitting you don’t have it all together, and in some appropriate yet specific way make your failure known—so that the group can pray for you, maybe give you some good advice, or possibly sacrifice for you. It seems counter-intuitive. We, the leaders, are supposed to be the self-sacrificial ones—and that is true—but to create a group where people share their neediness, we have to lead with our own neediness. As one pastor put it, we have to share our “abundance of poverty.”
There are plenty of wisdom-and-context issues to temper what I’ve said here. However, if we small group leaders want our groups to share their neediness with one another and be vulnerable enough to create real community, it has to start with us.
2) LISTENING: Share like family and be interested in each other’s little “insignificant” details.
I have a confession: When I forget that we’re all human beings-made in the image of God and that ordinary life is what we were made for I start to devalue small-talk. But small talk is the grease that makes relationships flow. The real trick is remembering that small talk is the minutia that life is made of. Sometimes all the important details you need to know about people are hidden inside the small talk. So we need to listen to each other and listen hard. We need to listen to care. Listen to remember. Listen to discern. We need to pursue people and beg them to talk so we can listen. We need to make sure people know we will listen because we do care! We need to listen and take each other’s lives seriously.
This applies to everyone always, but I want to make a special note about younger people. No matter how much perspective being older may give us, we need to remember when listening to a younger person: their seemingly-small-to-us drama is the most important thing to them and may be the hardest thing they’ve ever faced so far. So we listen to “silly issues” and take them incredibly seriously.Tthat’s how we get relational capital to be allowed to be a part of shaping young hearts.
We need to listen and value little details that people share, and encourage them to share. As Ed Welch wrote, “What we hear might surprise us. After all, most people are not often asked about themselves, so we might hear much more than basic information. We might hear about things worth celebrating; we might hear of personal hardships.” (20)
Once again, the group will follow your lead. You need to listen more than talk; you need to listen intently; you need to try hard to remember what you listen to; listen in a way that invites others to talk; ask good questions. But at the end of day (or the beginning of the group), you may have to start the talking. You can’t dominate the conversation, but don’t be afraid to be the one who starts. It seems like a courtesy to wait until someone else is the first to go through the food line, but if no one goes first, no one can go second. If you’ll just go ahead, walk up to the front, and get some food, everyone else will eat 10 minutes earlier—instead of playing the “who is going to go first” game. The same applies to talking. Share the details of your life and assume that others around you care about them…and assume THAT THEY SHOULD CARE! The group will follow your lead. Even if it’s just that you took your dog for a walk on a nice day or that you like that new TV show on ABC, don’t be afraid to talk. You may need to in order to get others talking. Just make sure you listen. Even if it’s only talking about the weather, in little details is the stuff of life. “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5)
3a) TRUTH 1: Go ahead and have awkward conversations about the deep stuff.
When small details lead to deeply knowing someone, be thankful and consider this as a gift. May it be a gift that your whole group gives to one another with abundance.
But getting there can be a chore. Going deep takes safety. Safety takes time and risk. It’s easy to keep conversation surface-level. It’s also easy to fake depth by saying spiritual and emotional phrases, not really sharing our hearts. Don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions to what someone says and go one step further than what they said. If we’re going to be transformed by our time in a group, we’re going to have to get honest: honest about our anger, honest about relationships—family, friends, romantic, platonic—honest about our hurts.
Anyone reading this can be a shepherd of hearts and healer of souls with good, open-ended questions. For low-hanging fruit, ask the “therapist question” that gets used in so many parodies, but it’s cliche because it’s a good question: “How did that make you feel?” It’s a great question to start down a productive and intimacy-creating rabbit hole. And Ed Welch’s advice is to
“follow the strong emotions….listen for the joys and sorrows, the hopes and fears, and we take an interest in them. Enjoy the good. We search for ‘love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, [and] self-control’ (Gal. 5:22-23) and other character qualities that look like Jesus. When we see or hear those reflections of Christ, we enjoy them, point them out, and simply like the person. Have compassion when there is trouble, and there will be a lot (John 16:33). The longer you walk with someone, the more trouble you will hear. We want to grow in compassion when we hear it.” (27–28)
Then you can do the thing that can feel really awkward, especially if you’re not used to it: having some discernment of the heart, of people’s pain, of relationships, of what’s going on; and bring Jesus into it. You can talk about Jesus, not as a platitude, but because He is the one who heals, who has enabled all forgiveness, and provides the new and living way from hurt to healing. Ed Welch cautions, “Helpers [should] walk carefully…[People’s] responses [to Jesus] reveal important matters, but when we care for others, we rarely rush into the heart’s responses first. Instead, we linger on the relationships that have been painful…we walk with care toward another person’s heart. [Nevertheless,] help, at its best, brings Christ early and often.” (36–37)
Don’t get me wrong, bringing Jesus’ name into things as a platitude is annoying and painful and damaging. But, as I am constantly reminded, in the end, all healing is a product of God’s grace in Jesus Christ. Jesus is the answer, and it is the world, the flesh, and the devil that make us feel awkward saying it. The application is more complicated, but it starts with Jesus—not ends with Jesus. It is sin in us and the deceit of the world that makes us hesitant to point to Jesus and go to him in prayer or point out ways that Jesus’ teachings, grace, cross, kingship, or return are the hope and power that can guide us now and keep us going until His Spirit brings healing or he returns to make all things right.
If you do find yourself uncomfortable with what I just wrote, I get that. I’m a professional religious talker. I get paid to point to Jesus, and sometimes I’m hesitant to do so. Shame on me. We’re hesitant because so many people have done it badly—insensitively. Maybe we’ve been the recipients of spiritually insensitive Jesus-talk and we just don’t want to be the perpetrators. Here’s some guidance from Welch,
“Be personal…God is personal, so we are personal with him and each other…[as friends, we] enter in, [enjoy one another], bear burdens, and even share what is on our own hearts. We enjoy others and the good things they have received:
"’I am so happy for you’ ‘Let's celebrate together.’ ‘What a great gift. This is just wonderful.’ We also enjoy them and the good things that come out of their hearts: ‘Your openness about your life has been such a lesson to me about grace.’ ‘Thank you so much for your concern for me. It reminds me that I am not alone.’ ‘I so appreciate seeing the patience and kindness you give to your children.’ We have compassion as we share in their burdens and sufferings: ‘I'm so sorry.’ ‘This seems so hard. Could you tell me a little more?’ ‘You are on my heart.’ We‘rejoice with those who rejoice, [and] weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15) because doing so reflects the character of God. The rule for being personal is to say something when you are given access to someone's treasures. It doesn't have to be much. What guides our responses is both the Golden Rule (Matt. 7:127) and humility. The Golden Rule asks, ‘What have other people said to me that was helpful and encouraging?’ Humility asks, ‘What could help and encourage you?’ When we don't know what to say, we ask for help.
As a variation of the Golden Rule you could also consider what has been unhelpful to you and others. For example, it is almost always unhelpful to give advice to someone who is troubled unless the troubled one asks. Advice is what we would do in another's situation, even though we might never have been in that situation. It typically sounds teacher-like, and it bypasses compassion. It is rarely personal. So hold back your advice unless it is requested. … Be personal—that is, move toward people, know others, be moved by those things that are important. Pray for and with people—the best care identifies the needs in our lives that can be met only in Jesus Christ. Those are our most important and deepest needs.” (45–47, 49)
That sounds like hard advice, but it’s fairly easy. Ask questions, listen, express sympathy, hold advice unless asked for, offer to pray for people and do pray for people, and if appropriate, always encourage with the fact that Jesus can and will fix things. And if it seems awkward, I think it’s mostly because of that nagging unbelief we have. Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)
3b) TRUTH 2: Talk about sin, and use the word “sin.” Start by talking about your own sin.
We have to talk about sin to grow. Sin is the thing that is wrong with us. David didn’t pray, “Help me make better choices about which women I sleep with,” he prayed, “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!” (Psalm 51:1–2) The Apostle Paul didn’t say our biggest problem in the world is a need for education and to end systemic abuses (though I don’t think he’s against those things—don’t hear what I’m not saying), but Paul said,
“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness….Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification….But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life…” (Romans 6:12-13, 16-19, 22)
Or more simply, the Apostle John said, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” (1 John 1:8) And Ed Welch concludes, “Our goal is to contribute to a community in which it is increasingly natural to talk about sin and ask each other for help” (61).
We don’t need to have confession times in small groups or call one another out all the time. But where we see sin, we do need to graciously talk about it with each other. Matthew 18:15–18 and Luke 17:3–4 are a helpful guide if you’re seeing another person sin. Where we’re struggling with sin, we need to confess (see James 5:16). We do well to share sin with our small groups or at least with appropriate people in our small groups. Fighting sin is one of the main places where Christian growth happens, and if we’re never talking about sin, confessing sin, and repenting of sin, we’re not growing in the Christian walk. Ed Welch encourages, “The first words are the hardest. When you have no idea what to say, be honest…If you have clear evidence of sinful actions, be specific. If you have concerns or questions, raise them without accusing. All this can be hard, but, if we are left with regrets, most of us regret not saying something” (62). Never accuse. Stay in it with people. Tell them you love them and are committed to them. Ask how you can help. Let them know “we” are in this together. (Use “we” a lot, Welch suggests.) And end time hearing someone’s confession of sin or talking about sin with someone by saying, “Thank you.” Remember, “if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:1–2)
When your small group gets where this happens and it doesn’t make you wonder if everything is falling apart, you’ve reached a profound level of intimacy with your group. Talking about sin isn’t a sign a bunch of messed up people are in your group—that is a given!—it’s a sign that your group is becoming a Christian community. “Could you imagine a community in which we can confess our sins to one another, and we respond to such confessions and pleas with humility, gentleness, patience, and prayer?” May it be so for us!
4) TIME: Let’s Care for One Another and Lean Into Community in Our Small Groups
Care leads to compassion and confession and community. But in the end nothing builds community except time together—caring for one another in the everyday. There can’t be quality time without quantity time. If we’re not spending time together, we can’t care for each other the way Jesus intends. Adulthood is hard. There are communities that thrive without tons of time together, but it’s normally because of time spent together previously or a special grace and intentionality that aren’t part of normal congregational life. For church smal groups, if we’re not spending enough time together to occasionally sin against one another, we’re probably not spending enough time together to be a community. But above all, if we’re not in one another’s lives enough to really care for each other, to really go through hard things together, to really get into deep conversations, and to really want to call on the people in our small group when things get tough, we’re not caring the right way yet; we’re not a community yet. So start with time together, lean into the awkward things, listen to each other, care for one another. With listening, truth, time and the grace of God, our communities will become beautiful redemptive communities that feed into and shape the larger community of the Church by the power of the Holy Spirit.
