Grace, Truth, and Time: A Reflection on Leading Small Groups

 *This is adapted from an email I wrote to a group of small-group leaders. Though it’s tied to a specific discussion around a book we're reading together: Cloud and Townsend's Making Small Groups Work, the principles apply widely to anyone thinking about discipleship and spiritual growth. 

Grace, truth, and time.

First, time. “Helping your group take the long view.” Life Groups aren’t meant to be just a thing we do every week. They’re meant to be a time where we stop together, open up our brokenness, our wounds, our failures together, and seek grace and truth.

Grace — “unmerited favor, something brought to us, not created or produced by us.”

I suspect we have Life Groups full of very independent, self-sufficient people. How often does someone in our group really need something? Or express that need? Not just a meal when we’re sick—something needed in order to move forward in life, in order to heal.

Are our groups providing for one another?

Grace is so much more than forgiveness. It’s the gas that gets us moving in holiness, in healing, in growth. That truth alone could really change the culture of our Life Groups.

Are we asking one another, “What do you need that we can give you?”

Are we asking, “What good things can each person receive from others in the group?”

As Life Group leaders, we have to help people ask these questions. It sounds counterintuitive—almost self-centered—but if we never ask, “What do I need to be getting from others in this group?” then each group becomes a place where everyone has permission to stay the same. If no one is being asked how they need to change, how they need to grow, and if no one is specifically giving them what they need to grow, we shouldn’t be surprised when no one grows.

Truth works the same way. We need to be groups where we ask:

“What truths do the people in this group need to hear in order to move forward?”

And then we take it further:

What experience does this person need in order to own that truth?

• What experience will help them believe it?

• What experience will help them start living it?

• What experience will help them see the sin or the personal problem that’s keeping them stuck?

• What experience will help them heal from the wounds in their past?

These are the questions Life Group leaders have to ask and gently lead their groups through.

We’re bringing Jesus into our groups and asking him to heal people and give growth—in our souls and in the souls of those around us. But we also have to begin saying, “Show me where I need to change so I can be and do better. Show me the truth and where I am in relation to it.”

That’s where we’re leading our people. It’s what we’re trying to facilitate each week so that our group time really is redemptive time.

How do we turn our groups into experiences—experiences that happen over time and lead to real healing and growth?

Experiences where people receive truth and unmerited favor—not just forgiveness, but gifts given from others that move them forward in personal growth and holiness?

What are those gifts?

And what do we need in order to make the changes and do the healing that give us a taste of heaven to come?

What Are We Trying to Do as Small-Group Leaders?

*This is adapted from an email I wrote to a group of small-group leaders. Though it’s tied to a specific discussion around a book we're reading together: Cloud and Townsend's Making Small Groups Work, the principles apply widely to anyone thinking about discipleship and spiritual growth. 

Perfectionism is a form of immaturity. Not seeking excellence is also a form of immaturity. But perfectionism is probably our immaturity of choice.

What knowing the gospel does—what knowing Jesus does—is make it possible for us to pursue excellence while still being comfortable (or at least not devastated) by failure. We can fail and keep going. As Cloud and Townsend say, “We have to humble ourselves in our own growth process first and keep practicing. Not perfectly but faithfully. Remember, the Bible shows that God uses faithful people, not perfect people.”

Part of what we get to do as small-group leaders is shape the experience of the people who come to our group—point them to Jesus, point them to the Bible, pray with and for them, encourage them, and yes, even exhort them. This is patient, slow work. It’s a work of asking questions and listening. We can’t just listen forever; there is a directive part of shepherding people. If people are in error, someone’s got to say something, and while it’s often good to wait a minute and see if someone else will say it—if they won’t, we have to. But there’s also a lot of grace. We don’t have to confront everything immediately. And when we can, it’s usually best to ask questions to help people confront themselves.

We’re going to make some missteps on that journey. We’re going to not speak when we should have, or we’re going to speak when we shouldn’t have. And in all of that, we’re going to need a constant confidence that we are forgiven, that Jesus is with us, and that we’ve been called to lead these groups.

The curriculums we decide to use provide content that gives us something to do. But it’s asking questions and listening, digging in with people—that’s where change is going to happen. That’s what’s really valuable. Cloud and Townsend write, “Your program or curriculum should guide you in terms of content… But what about goals that relate to process, not content? Which transcendent goals and tasks apply to each and every group, no matter what its purpose or topic? …We’re saying that regardless of the group’s specific task, there are transcendent purposes to which you can anchor yourself—and thus accomplish good in any group.”

These goals are what I’m hoping we can be moving toward—most of all, the goal of the ministry of reconciliation: reconnecting people to God, pointing them to the Bible, and walking together in experiencing grace, acceptance, and forgiveness that leads to learning God’s ways, trusting God, and ultimately obedience. Those are our groups’ overarching goals, no matter what content we’re using.

Confession, Safety, and Becoming a Honest Community

*This is adapted from an email I wrote to my small group. Though it comes from a specific moment in our community, the principles are rooted in Scripture and apply widely. 

We talked recently about confession, and I want to encourage you to have someone you can confess sin to. Churches should be communities where sinners can be honest and safe. But often they’re not. We’re not. Maybe we don’t spend enough time together. Maybe we’re not trustworthy enough. Something is wrong with the church (not just my church — the church, which includes my church).

I’ve been hearing from multiple places that our communities don’t spend enough time together. That lack of shared life makes the sort of intimacy and trust needed for things like confessing our sin to one another really hard. I’m going to be spending time praying and thinking about that.

In the meantime, I want to encourage you: if you’re struggling with sin, confess it to another person. As I mentioned in the conversation that sparked this, I don’t get to be the best example because we don’t live in a system where it’s entirely safe for a pastor to confess his own sin to his congregation. But I do want you to know this: I do confess sin. I’ve confessed to trusted fellow pastors. I’ve confessed to a mentor outside our system. I just think it’s really important to have a confessor.

Even if you don’t feel like you can confess to someone in your immediate church community, you still need to have someone. And not just your spouse.

I had a particularly transformative experience with something called The Samson Society as a new Christian. https://www.samsonsociety.com/ It was a "Protestant ministry of confession." It was run sort of like AA, but with some tweaks to make it explicitly Christian, and it wasn't (just) about alcohol, substance abuse, or sex. It was about SIN.

I think it would be a beautiful thing if our churches became the kind of communities where sinners were safe to be honest about their sin — where we seemed so safe that people could even take the risk of confessing before relationships feel fully secure. I know that’s hard and scary, but it’s part of becoming the kind of community Jesus intends for us to be.

Then we would be the sort of community where sinners can repent, believe, and grow in grace — which is what God calls the Church to be: a hospital for sinners, not a hiding place (Luke 5:31–32).

So here’s a simple practice for the week:

Write down a sin you’re struggling with, and then dispose of it — burn it, drown it, shred it, whatever you want. This isn't good enough. You need to talk to someone. You need a confessor. But it's a start.

Then reflect on how it feels. And if you’re willing, talk with someone about the experience. And don't let confession stop there.

God’s Surprising Plan for Growth

*This is adapted from an email I originally wrote to a group of small-group leaders as a reflection on chapter 1 of Cloud and Townsend’s Making Small Groups Work. Context and roles vary from church to church, but I hope the principles here will be useful for anyone thinking about discipleship and community.

I think so many Presbyterians in particular—but really, all Christians of an intellectual bent—feel like if we just learn enough, hear enough sermons, read enough books, get enough lectures, learn enough facts, then we’ll be transformed. “It is knowing our Bible that transforms us, by the power of the Holy Spirit.” And that’s not wrong—but it’s not enough. It’s absolutely necessary and utterly insufficient. It has to be all of that and people.

I think so many people read all the grand doctrines of the Bible—about how amazing our God is (and He is!)—about the wonderful love of our incredible Savior, Jesus Christ (and it is wonderful!)—and they miss that pretty much all the commands in the Bible are about people: how to love people, how to live with people, how to be in community with people. Most of the New Testament is instructions for how to be a community. And those early churches were probably only forty people or so—maybe a hundred at most. When we talk about small groups today, we’re talking about the modern context where the truths we learn on Sundays—in preaching, in classes, wherever—get lived out together.

This is why our small groups have to be more than Bible studies. They have to be people involved in each other’s lives. They have to be led and facilitated in ways that help us really enter into life together—sharing what’s happening, influencing one another, letting God work through those connections. As Henry Cloud said, “Other people are Plan A, not Plan B.”

Many churches use small groups as a primary ministry of discipleship because we live in a commuter culture where we don’t see each other every day. Early Christians actually saw each other daily in the streets, the marketplace, the same neighborhood. We don’t. So small groups are one way we overcome that gap.

Most of the “love one another” commands in the Bible aren’t just general—they’re instructions for how Christians are to love one another within the church community, how we’re meant to build one another up (Ephesians 4:16). “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:10). But that kind of work doesn’t happen in the big preaching room. It happens in spaces where people are relating personally. That’s what small groups are for: spaces where we relate, share life, and work out what we’re learning in community.

You could think of a small group as the social microcosm for living out what the Bible teaches. Small groups are the primary, biblical context for growth. The early churches didn’t need small groups—they were small groups. But in most modern churches, we’re spread out enough that small groups are the most practical way to give each other that relational context for growth.

So this is what small-group leaders are meant to lead. Our groups are meant to be places where process can happen—where change can take place. I love how the authors put it: “We don’t think it takes a PhD to do that! We think it takes some basic skills and processes found in the Bible, plus a little dose of love, a mustard seed of faith, some commitment, and an adventuresome spirit.” That’s exactly right. This is what our small groups can be, and this is what this book helps us lean into.

I’ll leave off with this thought: small groups are the context where we get to live life together with those we’re called to shepherd. It’s where we shepherd people into true life change—whatever change God wants to make in each of us—by His grace, through the power of the Holy Spirit, as He works through people, which is His Plan A for sanctification.

Small Groups Are About Process, Not Just Curriculum: Reflections for Life Group leaders (and anyone who cares about spiritual growth)

*This is adapted from an email I wrote to our Life Group leaders. It’s shaped by our context at Calvary and my role here, but I think some general principles may be helpful more broadly. This isn’t meant to be an academic article—it’s a pastoral reflection interacting with ideas from Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s Making Small Groups Work.

I’ve been reading the prologue of a small group book with our Life Group leaders Making Small Groups Work by Cloud and Townsend. A couple of lines really lodged themselves in my brain:

“There is no one right way to do small groups.”

“While leaders might have a good curriculum that guides content, they need training in the process itself.”

That second line is the one that grabbed me: the process itself.

That’s probably the main thing I want from this book—to help us think about how to set up and lead processes in our small groups so that small groups actually change lives. Learning the art of process is the thing we need. We need to learn how to lead process. We even need to get clear on what we mean by process.

Because that’s really why we’re reading this: so we can better understand how people change, how people grow, and how we, as leaders, are meant to be facilitators of that change and growth.

The Problem Isn’t Curriculum

There is absolutely no shortage of curriculum. I could write one. You could write one. There are roughly 900 bajillion already out there.

Recently our groups used The Cure, and I’ve heard from several in our congregation about how it was helpful. This coming January and February, we’ll walk through a short six-week series on loving our neighborhoods (using Placed For a Purpose).

But beyond that, I don’t want to micromanage what every group studies.

Every Life Group has its own flavor—its own mix of geography, friendships, ages, and rhythms. One group might be mostly young families; another might be a mix of empty nesters and singles; another might have people driving in from all over. And that’s exactly as it should be. Different groups will need different things.

Yes, I’ll occasionally recommend something when it seems like there’s a shared need—maybe we all need help engaging more personally, or learning to love our physical neighbors better. But I don’t want to be the official “curriculum chooser.” (This is context and role specific to Calvary. In another place with different circumstances, I might approach this differently.)

Unless our session says otherwise, my role (see above disclaimer) isn’t to control what our groups look at together. My role is to help make sure that whatever you’re doing actually changes lives. I’m trying to shepherd us into being better process facilitators.

What Life Groups Are For

If our Life Groups are just getting together for food and fellowship, we’re not really using them for what they’re intended for.

Fellowship is good. Hanging out is good. Laughing together is good.

But Life Groups are meant to be our more personal, smaller context for active, personal shepherding. And the Life Group leaders are the shepherds. Anyone willing to lead, care, love, ask good questions, and shepherd can get in on this though! You don't need to be in the formal role!

I want our groups to be active vehicles of shepherding people toward Jesus. Places where holiness is stirred up. Places where personal growth is actually happening. Places where people are slowly, steadily becoming more like Christ because they’re being known, challenged, encouraged, and loved.

And that doesn’t come mainly through content.

Content and curriculum matter. They really do. But presented on their own, they don’t transform anyone. Every teacher knows this: the hardest part isn’t the material—it’s the process.

Where the Real Power Is

So what do I mean by process?

Process is the way the content gets worked into people’s lives over time. It’s:

• The real conversations after someone shares something vulnerable.

• The small moments, when someone goes out of their way to follow up midweek.

• The prayers where people risk being honest.

• The tears that show up when something finally hits a deep place.

• The decisions made in community—to forgive, to repent, to reach out, to take a next step.

• The confessions of sin that move beyond “I struggle sometimes” to “Here’s what’s actually going on.”

• The shared laughter that builds trust so that harder things can be shared.

• To learn how people change.

• To learn how God uses community to grow His people.

• To learn how we can better lead that growth as shepherds.

That’s the stuff that actually shapes a person over time. And as Life Group leaders, we’ve been called to shepherd that process.

You’re not just “running a study.” You’re tending people. You’re helping create an environment where the Spirit can work through Scripture, conversation, and community to change hearts.

What This Book (and This Season) Is Really About

So as we go through this book together, I want us to keep this front and center:

We are here to understand and practice process.

My prayer is that this doesn’t just help us “teach good content,” but that it trains us to lead real transformation through process.

If you’re a Life Group leader, a small group leader, or just someone who cares about people being changed by Jesus—not just informed about Him—then this is the invitation:

Don’t just ask, “What are we studying?”

Start asking, “What’s our process? How are we walking with people so that this actually sinks in?”

That’s where the real work—and the real joy—is.

*ChatGPT was used in editing for formatting but not in writing this content. I was overusing em dashes long before it was made cool by AI.

2024 Advent Letter

 My dear friends,

As Advent comes to an end this Christmas Eve, I don’t know where you’re at. Maybe the short days and the busyness have you snapping at each other. It is so discouraging to find out just how much mean there is in my heart still. I don’t know how you’re thinking about 2025—maybe you’re glad and really hopeful for how things are going to go or maybe you’re afraid of what is to come because of circumstances around you and in society. For those of you who are feeling confident and for those of you who are feeling fearful and sad, I want to give you something to give you perspective: there is a gift in the darkness. 

That’s actually what my Christmas Eve homily this year is about. I know, I skipped to the churchy stuff, but go ahead and read the letter. I write to encourage you with the only hope I have: the gift of grace in Jesus Christ. Grace for the days or the years we don’t live up to our own expectations or standards—or the expectations and standards of other people or even (especially) God. God loves us so much that he gave us a gift to tell us that even though we don’t live up—and it’s important, healthy even, to recognize that—we are his beloved. He gave His son as a gift, by sending him into the world—which is what we celebrate at Christmas, we call it the “incarnation”—to live a perfect life for us, to suffer with us because of all the messed-up things and sin in the world (including our own) and to die to pay for our sins on the cross. We can know that we have really been given this gift because Jesus didn’t stay dead. He rose again from the dead, body-blood-bones-tonenails-and-hair, really, actually, in space-time history and reality 2000 years ago. Grace is what Titus 3:4–7 (what I’m basing my homily on—that’s a short sermon) is about: “But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.” Even if you don’t believe that, it sounds really hopeful, right? At the very least, you understand why so many people find beautiful and hope giving.

FAMILY STUFF

2024 has been a big year for the Martins. I accepted a call to a church in Raleigh, North Carolina, to be their “pastor of equipping.” Kaitlin switched from being an RN at OU Medical to the University of North Carolina Medical, but since then has been offered a full-time position as a professor of nursing at a regional private university called ECPI (I don’t know what that stands for, ha!). Our kids have definitely learned longing, so I think Advent has been especially poigiant for them. We aren’t in Oklahoma near their grandparents anymore, and I doubt we ever will be again. That’s been a big change for them. There’s been a lot of sadness.

But good things too: Abigail has been cast as “the Wicked Witch” in Shrek the Musical for the spring. Jerram has learned the joy of men’s Bible studies. Ezri won a spelling bee. Lorelai has discovered a passion for baking. And Killian got identified in the top 90-some-odd-percent and was taken into the gifted-and-talented program. We’ve also done some hiking, made some fantastic new friends—even some surrogate grandparents and aunts and uncles in the church— and discovered that Raleigh and the Research Triangle just has more to do than we could ever dream. I think we all do love it here, even in the midst of missing family back in Oklahoma. 

So with that, I just want to say that I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year. I hope you find encouragement for 2025. If there is darkness, I encourage you to draw near to the throne of grace where you will always receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need through Jesus Christ. (Hebrews 4:16)

I am always happy to pray for you. Just email, call, text, Facebook message, or whatever other way I’m forgetting to communicate me. I keep a prayer-to-do list that I work through every day, so please just let me know what I need to be praying for. Thank you for being our friends, and I hope we’ll see you around.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” (John 1:5)

Merry Christmas!

Wes

Pastoral Prayer for 2024.12.22

 Heavenly Father,


O God, Great Shepherd of the flock, lover of our souls, and friend of sinners, you lead your people like a rock. You are enthroned on high. In the darkness, let your glory shine through. Give us salvation, and let your face shine on all who know their desperate need of you.

For those who are depressed, downtrodden, oppressed, hurt, betrayed, saddened by those who are missing, those weighed down by sickness of mind or body, and those who have endured much tragedy and suffering, show your goodness. Regard with your tender compassion those suffering from anxiety, depression, mental illness, or any burden we have named. Bear their sorrows and their cares. Supply all their needs. Help them to put their whole trust and confidence in you, and restore them to strength of mind and cheerfulness of spirit. We lift some of these up to you silently and specifically by name now (…) Restore us, O LORD God of hosts! Let your face shine, that we may be saved!

We thank you, God, that you have come to Bethlehem and to the world in Jesus Christ our Lord. You know suffering with us, for you sent your Son to walk this earth, to be acquainted with grief, and to be the Savior who shepherds us through every difficulty. And now that you have made all the offerings and sacrifices that ever need be made for us to be your children, you continue to give gifts to us—gifts of ministers, servants, and those who labor for your Kingdom.

Bring renewal to our congregation here at Calvary Presbyterian Church. Bless us with a deeper love for you, for one another, and for the community where you have placed us. May we see growth not only in numbers but in faith, hope, and love.

We ask your blessing on the ministries of our denomination and our community. Guide the PCA’s Committee on Discipleship Ministries, and bless Stephen Estock as he serves. Strengthen Village Chapel Presbyterian Church in New Bern, and uphold their pastor, Norm Evans. Bless their ministry to shine the light of Christ in their community.

We lift up Tom Cox and the West Africa Reformed Mission in Sierra Leone. Use their ministry to proclaim the gospel and disciple believers. Provide for their needs and protect them in their work. We also pray for Reformed University Fellowship at Duke University, and Matt Mahla as he ministers to students. Let their witness draw hearts to Jesus during such formative years. Closer to home, bless Reconciliation Church in Knightdale and their pastor, Russell McCutcheon. May they bring the hope of Christ’s reconciliation to their neighbors and beyond.

As we prepare to celebrate Christ’s birth, help us to fix our eyes on him and not be distracted by the rush of the season. Fill our hearts with the joy of Christ and the peace that surpasses understanding. Let this joy overflow, drawing others to know the hope we have in Jesus. We pray for some of those we wish you do draw silently by name now (…)

Lord, as we wait for your promises to be fulfilled, fill us with hope and confidence in your unfailing love. Help us walk in faithfulness, reflecting the light of Christ to a world in need. Let our lives, our words, and our worship testify to the great things you have done for us in Christ. We silently pray for any spcific enouragements we think this congregation needs now (…)

All this we pray through Jesus Christ, your Son, our Savior, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and forever. And we pray together as Jesus taught us:

“Our Father…”

Insights for Small Groups and Small Group Leadership from Ed Welch

In this series I am surveying the most useful insights from books that are geared towards small groups. I survey books across a spectrum of perspectives, including non-Christian sources. I’ve tried to distill the best takeaways into short articles that will both guide the culture of Calvary Presbyterian Church in Raleigh, NC, as well as provide some short and practical articles to inspire and guide a small group leader in any context. I hope you find these helpful! 
My focus is on distilling practical takeaways and insights from every book and communicating them in ways that can be applied the next time your small group gathers. I don’t necessarily recommend reading every book. Also, sometimes the things I write will be more“inspired” by what I read than what the person actually wrote. These aren’t book reviews or book reports. My goal is to give practical instruction for small groups and provide a vision for what Jesus calls the Church to be for the glory of God, and these are the books that happen to inspire each individual article.
Don’t forget, you need the Holy Spirit for any of this to work. You’re not good enough—and neither am I. So let’s start with prayer:
Father, please guide us by the power of Your Holy Spirit to be what you intended us to be as a Church. Give us insight, inspiration, and intentionality. Use us. Create around us and draw us into small group communities that help us and everyone around to see Jesus more and more clearly as you shape us to more and more be the People of God you call us to be. We ask this in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Welch, Edward T. Caring for One Another: 8 Ways to Cultivate Meaningful Relationships. Wheaton: Crossway, 2018.

The world wants to be cared for. The most popular TV shows that have grabbed hearts and drawn people in have been about people living in community well. The reason those shows get many seasons and high ratings is because they provide a vicarious experience of what we’re all longing for: community. The world is longing for community. By God’s common grace many people get tastes of community. There is no experience like the community that comes together when a marching band spends all season preparing a show, or the cast and crew of a musical finally start their run, or when a sports team practices, wins and loses together. But the church is the community that God means to be a unique witness of what humanity is made for.
Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:35) Jesus is speaking about how Christians are meant to create a new community that loves one another better than any other community ever has or ever will. Christians are meant to create a community that is a witness to Jesus’ work in them and between them. Christians are meant to live in the fullness of humanity that is only possible in a community—a caring community. How we Christians care for one another is supposed to be something special, something that stands out, something that makes other-than-Christians looking in from the outside say, “What makes them that way? What is going on with them? They seem different, and I wish I could be a part of that!” 
At the heart of community are people who actively care for one another well. If we’re not caring for one another, actually providing care—whether that means emotional support, spiritual advice, or physical provision—we haven’t entered into community yet. Until someone in a group has struggled with something and received care, I don’t know that community has yet been created.
So how do we get there? What does a small group that cares for one another look like? How should you lead your small group in ways that will lead to community and a witness for Jesus as we care for one another? 1) Leadership. 2) Listening. 3)Truth. And 4) Time.

1) LEADERSHIP: The group will follow your lead—so share your neediness if you want them to share theirs. 

If we want to have groups where people are sharing their needs: making requests for prayer for serious things, seeking guidance, seeking help—we have to start by humbly being needy as leaders. Obviously we don’t want to abuse the group. We’re not forming these groups so we leaders can basically have our own little me-centered support group. But getting the group to become a place where others feel comfortable getting vulnerable will probably involve you getting vulnerable first: taking a risk by being the first person to express your own needs. And this is humbling. 
You start by admitting you don’t have it all together, and in some appropriate yet specific way make your failure known—so that the group can pray for you, maybe give you some good advice, or possibly sacrifice for you. It seems counter-intuitive. We, the leaders, are supposed to be the self-sacrificial ones—and that is true—but to create a group where people share their neediness, we have to lead with our own neediness. As one pastor put it, we have to share our “abundance of poverty.”
There are plenty of wisdom-and-context issues to temper what I’ve said here. However, if we small group leaders want our groups to share their neediness with one another and be vulnerable enough to create real community, it has to start with us.

2) LISTENING: Share like family and be interested in each other’s little “insignificant” details.

I have a confession: When I forget that we’re all human beings-made in the image of God and that ordinary life is what we were made for I start to devalue small-talk. But small talk is the grease that makes relationships flow. The real trick is remembering that small talk is the minutia that life is made of. Sometimes all the important details you need to know about people are hidden inside the small talk. So we need to listen to each other and listen hard. We need to listen to care. Listen to remember. Listen to discern. We need to pursue people and beg them to talk so we can listen. We need to make sure people know we will listen because we do care! We need to listen and take each other’s lives seriously. 
This applies to everyone always, but I want to make a special note about younger people. No matter how much perspective being older may give us, we need to remember when listening to a younger person: their seemingly-small-to-us drama is the most important thing to them and may be the hardest thing they’ve ever faced so far. So we listen to “silly issues” and take them incredibly seriously.Tthat’s how we get relational capital to be allowed to be a part of shaping young hearts.
We need to listen and value little details that people share, and encourage them to share. As Ed Welch wrote, “What we hear might surprise us. After all, most people are not often asked about themselves, so we might hear much more than basic information. We might hear about things worth celebrating; we might hear of personal hardships.” (20)
Once again, the group will follow your lead. You need to listen more than talk; you need to listen intently; you need to try hard to remember what you listen to; listen in a way that invites others to talk; ask good questions. But at the end of day (or the beginning of the group), you may have to start the talking. You can’t dominate the conversation, but don’t be afraid to be the one who starts. It seems like a courtesy to wait until someone else is the first to go through the food line, but if no one goes first, no one can go second. If you’ll just go ahead, walk up to the front, and get some food, everyone else will eat 10 minutes earlier—instead of playing the “who is going to go first” game. The same applies to talking. Share the details of your life and assume that others around you care about them…and assume THAT THEY SHOULD CARE! The group will follow your lead. Even if it’s just that you took your dog for a walk on a nice day or that you like that new TV show on ABC, don’t be afraid to talk. You may need to in order to get others talking. Just make sure you listen. Even if it’s only talking about the weather, in little details is the stuff of life. “The purpose in a man’s heart is like deep water, but a man of understanding will draw it out.” (Proverbs 20:5)

3a) TRUTH 1: Go ahead and have awkward conversations about the deep stuff.

When small details lead to deeply knowing someone, be thankful and consider this as a gift. May it be a gift that your whole group gives to one another with abundance. 
But getting there can be a chore. Going deep takes safety. Safety takes time and risk. It’s easy to keep conversation surface-level. It’s also easy to fake depth by saying spiritual and emotional phrases, not really sharing our hearts. Don’t be afraid to ask follow-up questions to what someone says and go one step further than what they said. If we’re going to be transformed by our time in a group, we’re going to have to get honest: honest about our anger, honest about relationships—family, friends, romantic, platonic—honest about our hurts. 
Anyone reading this can be a shepherd of hearts and healer of souls with good, open-ended questions.  For low-hanging fruit, ask the “therapist question” that gets used in so many parodies, but it’s cliche because it’s a good question: “How did that make you feel?” It’s a great question to start down a productive and intimacy-creating rabbit hole. And Ed Welch’s advice is to 

“follow the strong emotions….listen for the joys and sorrows, the hopes and fears, and we take an interest in them. Enjoy the good. We search for ‘love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, [and] self-control’ (Gal. 5:22-23) and other character qualities that look like Jesus. When we see or hear those reflections of Christ, we enjoy them, point them out, and simply like the person. Have compassion when there is trouble, and there will be a lot (John 16:33). The longer you walk with someone, the more trouble you will hear. We want to grow in compassion when we hear it.” (27–28) 

Then you can do the thing that can feel really awkward, especially if you’re not used to it: having some discernment of the heart, of people’s pain, of relationships, of what’s going on; and bring Jesus into it. You can talk about Jesus, not as a platitude, but because He is the one who heals, who has enabled all forgiveness, and provides the new and living way from hurt to healing. Ed Welch cautions, “Helpers [should] walk carefully…[People’s] responses [to Jesus] reveal important matters, but when we care for others, we rarely rush into the heart’s responses first. Instead, we linger on the relationships that have been painful…we walk with care toward another person’s heart. [Nevertheless,] help, at its best, brings Christ early and often.” (36–37)  
Don’t get me wrong, bringing Jesus’ name into things as a platitude is annoying and painful and damaging. But, as I am constantly reminded, in the end, all healing is a product of God’s grace in Jesus Christ. Jesus is the answer, and it is the world, the flesh, and the devil that make us feel awkward saying it. The application is more complicated, but it starts with Jesus—not ends with Jesus. It is sin in us and the deceit of the world that makes us hesitant to point to Jesus and go to him in prayer or point out ways that Jesus’ teachings, grace, cross, kingship, or return are the hope and power that can guide us now and keep us going until His Spirit brings healing or he returns to make all things right. 
If you do find yourself uncomfortable with what I just wrote, I get that. I’m a professional religious talker. I get paid to point to Jesus, and sometimes I’m hesitant to do so. Shame on me. We’re hesitant because so many people have done it badly—insensitively. Maybe we’ve been the recipients of spiritually insensitive Jesus-talk and we just don’t want to be the perpetrators. Here’s some guidance from Welch,
“Be personal…God is personal, so we are personal with him and each other…[as friends, we] enter in, [enjoy one another], bear burdens, and even share what is on our own hearts. We enjoy others and the good things they have received:

"’I am so happy for you’ ‘Let's celebrate together.’ ‘What a great gift. This is just wonderful.’ We also enjoy them and the good things that come out of their hearts: ‘Your openness about your life has been such a lesson to me about grace.’ ‘Thank you so much for your concern for me. It reminds me that I am not alone.’ ‘I so appreciate seeing the patience and kindness you give to your children.’ We have compassion as we share in their burdens and sufferings: ‘I'm so sorry.’ ‘This seems so hard. Could you tell me a little more?’ ‘You are on my heart.’ We‘rejoice with those who rejoice, [and] weep with those who weep (Rom. 12:15) because doing so reflects the character of God. The rule for being personal is to say something when you are given access to someone's treasures. It doesn't have to be much. What guides our responses is both the Golden Rule (Matt. 7:127) and humility. The Golden Rule asks, ‘What have other people said to me that was helpful and encouraging?’ Humility asks, ‘What could help and encourage you?’ When we don't know what to say, we ask for help.

As a variation of the Golden Rule you could also consider what has been unhelpful to you and others. For example, it is almost always unhelpful to give advice to someone who is troubled unless the troubled one asks. Advice is what we would do in another's situation, even though we might never have been in that situation. It typically sounds teacher-like, and it bypasses compassion. It is rarely personal. So hold back your advice unless it is requested. … Be personal—that is, move toward people, know others, be moved by those things that are important. Pray for and with people—the best care identifies the needs in our lives that can be met only in Jesus Christ. Those are our most important and deepest needs.” (45–47, 49)

That sounds like hard advice, but it’s fairly easy. Ask questions, listen, express sympathy, hold advice unless asked for, offer to pray for people and do pray for people, and if appropriate, always encourage with the fact that Jesus can and will fix things. And if it seems awkward, I think it’s mostly because of that nagging unbelief we have. Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)

3b) TRUTH 2: Talk about sin, and use the word “sin.” Start by talking about your own sin.

We have to talk about sin to grow. Sin is the thing that is wrong with us. David didn’t pray, “Help me make better choices about which women I sleep with,” he prayed, “Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love; according to your abundant mercy blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin!” (Psalm 51:1–2) The Apostle Paul didn’t say our biggest problem in the world is a need for education and to end systemic abuses (though I don’t think he’s against those things—don’t hear what I’m not saying), but Paul said, 

“Let not sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness….Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification….But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life…” (Romans 6:12-13, 16-19, 22)

Or more simply, the Apostle John said, “If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” (1 John 1:8) And Ed Welch concludes, “Our goal is to contribute to a community in which it is increasingly natural to talk about sin and ask each other for help” (61).
We don’t need to have confession times in small groups or call one another out all the time. But where we see sin, we do need to graciously talk about it with each other. Matthew 18:15–18 and Luke 17:3–4 are a helpful guide if you’re seeing another person sin. Where we’re struggling with sin, we need to confess (see James 5:16). We do well to share sin with our small groups or at least with appropriate people in our small groups. Fighting sin is one of the main places where Christian growth happens, and if we’re never talking about sin, confessing sin, and repenting of sin, we’re not growing in the Christian walk. Ed Welch encourages, “The first words are the hardest. When you have no idea what to say, be honest…If you have clear evidence of sinful actions, be specific. If you have concerns or questions, raise them without accusing. All this can be hard, but, if we are left with regrets, most of us regret not saying something” (62). Never accuse. Stay in it with people. Tell them you love them and are committed to them. Ask how you can help. Let them know “we” are in this together. (Use “we” a lot, Welch suggests.) And end time hearing someone’s confession of sin or talking about sin with someone by saying, “Thank you.” Remember, “if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:1–2)
When your small group gets where this happens and it doesn’t make you wonder if everything is falling apart, you’ve reached a profound level of intimacy with your group. Talking about sin isn’t a sign a bunch of messed up people are in your group—that is a given!—it’s a sign that your group is becoming a Christian community. “Could you imagine a community in which we can confess our sins to one another, and we respond to such confessions and pleas with humility, gentleness, patience, and prayer?” May it be so for us!

4) TIME: Let’s Care for One Another and Lean Into Community in Our Small Groups

Care leads to compassion and confession and community. But in the end nothing builds community except time together—caring for one another in the everyday. There can’t be quality time without quantity time. If we’re not spending time together, we can’t care for each other the way Jesus intends. Adulthood is hard. There are communities that thrive without tons of time together, but it’s normally because of time spent together previously or a special grace and intentionality that aren’t part of normal congregational life. For church smal groups, if we’re not spending enough time together to occasionally sin against one another, we’re probably not spending enough time together to be a community. But above all, if we’re not in one another’s lives enough to really care for each other, to really go through hard things together, to really get into deep conversations, and to really want to call on the people in our small group when things get tough, we’re not caring the right way yet; we’re not a community yet. So start with time together, lean into the awkward things, listen to each other, care for one another. With listening, truth, time and the grace of God, our communities will become beautiful redemptive communities that feed into and shape the larger community of the Church by the power of the Holy Spirit.