Monday, June 27, 2011
A Godly Man is Humble.
This is terrifying to read through and I hate it, and it makes me want to stop reading. Not because I don’t think it’s true, but because everything he talks about here, but what a man who is not humble is, describes me.
And what’s worse, as I read, as moments or general attitudes are brought to mind by reading this, I immediately try to justify them, or make them not as bad in my mind. Or even try to deny, go, well, I guess I’m not actually this way, because this and this and this, but there I’m just justifying it again.
But then, I really do have to go, where is that line? And, I know lines are a bad thing to look for, that’s just the best language I know to use, but, like, in business or the church, part of the way you get ahead IS by showing people how great you are, by making sure people know you’re good at what you do. So, then, I get lost in the mire of what is sin and what is legitimate in gaining positions I desire?
But mostly, I don’t have to ask those questions, I’m just angry, and sad, and frustrated at myself, because I know how much this describes me and desperately don’t want it to describe me. But, get this, I want it to not describe me so I’ll be BETTER, so I gain more position, so I’ll be better qualified, so I’ll be better at what I do. Now, is that legitimate, I want to be godlier, so I can be a better pastor, a better man, or is that in itself not humility. And I know the answer lies in deeper motivations. Wanting to honor God and minister to his people, good. Just wanting to gain position, well, not sure, depends on why I want to gain it, for recognition and credit and the awesome factor, bad, but to serve God’s people, good.
And I guess that is the one redeeming and encouraging factor (that I really only found as I wrote this, back when I started writing this, I was basically just despairing and sad and angry, but the one redeeming factor, I DO want to be godlier to honor God, I DO want to be better so that I can serve the Church better, I DO think I’m called to be a pastor and think these things are important and I do want to be good at them. So that is redeeming.
But, I also know how dark my heart is. To say with Paul that even if someone else getting more credit than him because of their preaching, he’s find because Christ is being preached, I cannot say that at this point. I want people to think I’m awesome, to think that I’ll be the next Tim Keller, or better. I want to be the best. I’ve spent my whole life trying to be the best, trying to come out on top, and have done a pretty good job of moving that direction. But now, that is no longer supposed to be the motivation. Now it’s about being as good as I can be because I want to serve God and love people better, because God has loved me so much (1 John 4:19), and because Jesus calls me to love my neighbor.
Of course, what if a more altruistic motive had motivated me in trumpet playing. What if I’d wanted to be better so I could be a better teacher, instead trying to do it so I wouldn’t have to teach? What if I’d wanted to be better because being a fine trumpet player who was a Christian was what I thought of as most God glorifying, rather than because being better made me better than others? What if I’d done it so I could share my gift, rather than because I wanted people’s praise and approval? Maybe I wouldn’t have stopped being a trumpet player. Maybe I’d still be pursuing that today. Maybe I would have approached it very differently and loved it a lot more than I did. Because I mostly pursued it because people thought I was awesome, and I loved that. It didn’t have near as much to do with me loving music that much.
Lord God, humble, yet mighty and great God. How wont I am to boast. How often I glorify my own name. How proud a man I am. How quick to ridicule others. How quick am I to search for praise. How much do I trumpet my own name, and search for praise from others. How quick am I to not trust you and think that you’ve put me in too lowly a place for someone as good as me. How little do I magnify Christ. How slow am I to stoop to meet those lower than myself. How often do I complain of the lowly estate you lead me to. Lord, I am a wretched man, and I forget it so easily. Oh, this evil heart of unbelief. I don’t think that I am bad, and evil, I forget who you are and who I am, I sin against you and I sin against others. I am a proud and arrogant man, and desperately need to be humbled. And not just to be humbled, but to receive the blessed gift of a humble heart. To not just be humbled, but to be humble, to be given a humble heart of flesh in place of this arrogant, proud, heart of stone I currently have. Lord, I invite the greatest gift you can give to me right now, and it’s a gift you only give to those you love, it’s a gift that I could only interpret as love by clinging very much to Christ, and knowing that He is my savior, and that all you do is sanctify me. So, I ask you Jesus, cling very tightly to me as I ask for this. Holy Spirit push me very close to God. God, be merciful to me. Forgive me, but Lord, I pray that you would rebuke me for my arrogance and Pride. A wise man loves godly rebuke, make me a wise man, make me a humble man. And Father, draw me very close to you as you do this, for what you might have to do to change me heart, scares me a lot, because I’m afraid it will feel like more than I can bear. But this is truly a request, and truly a time, which you ACTUALLY meant Philippians 4:13 to apply to. So, Lord, I know I can do all things through you, so, God, hold me tightly, rebuke me wisely. Give me a humble heart. I ask this, in true, a very true understanding, of fear and trembling. In Jesus name, Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment